Bovary's Blog

Yes I did.  I broke my arm. Actually, I fractured my elbow which sounds so much worse. So I am blogging one-handed. (How courageous!  How strong! How much sympathy and attention does one person need?) Here’s the thing: I realized this morning that I am addicted to blogging.  Why else would I be hunting and pecking in a fog of pain killers? Crazy, this need to be in constant communication.  But at least I’m not alone.  (Tweet me! Text me!  IM me! Skype me!) And the good news is my arm is still intact. I don’t have to avail myself of the Victorian prosthetic pictured here.

Are you addicted to some form of communication?  Now’s the time (and here’s the place) to admit it. (Tweet me! Text me!  IM me! Skype me!)

Why do I deserve an Oscar, you ask?  Well, just look at me.  This is me all dressed up waiting to watch the 84th Oscar Show.  This will be my 40th viewing.  And all this time, during all these broadcasts, I have never missed a chance to oooooh and ahhhhh over the stunning dresses, handsome actors, clever asides, emotional thank-yous or surprise winners. But do any of those award-winners (who are so busy being stunning, handsome, clever, emotional and surprising) ever think about me?   No.  Well, tonight’s my night. I’ve nominated myself and I have every confidence I’ll win. I’ve already got my acceptance speech.  (It’s a long one. It mentions every actor I ever had a crush on.) “And now, for Outstanding Performance as a Viewer, the award goes to…”

What about you?  Don’t you deserve an Oscar? Yes, you do!  For Outstanding Performance as My Blog Reader, the award goes to you.  I have more Oscars to give out.  Write me why you should be nominated. And don’t be modest.

Please Dominique, say it’s pas vrais. After we worked so very hard to clear your name of that totally unfair charge in New York  you’re in trouble again.  And this time in your own backyard.  Involved in an illegal prostitution ring? First of all, we didn’t know prostitution was illegal in France. Neither, probably, did you.  They say that this ring was operated out of luxury hotels in the city of Lille.  Why Lille? It’s not exactly la plupart de ville sophistiquée of France.  Well, not to worry. We are behind you 100 per cent.  Your Dominique Defense Fund is ready to launch a big fund raiser.  We just need to line up a few girls.

This week my friend Monique and I (yes, of course she is French) decided to have la grande aventure offered by Groupon to stay overnight at Yotel, a new hotel concept in NYC. We should have taken a grad student from MIT with us. That’s how big a helping hand we needed in this strange new high tech world.   Here are just a few of the problems we encountered. 1) How to check in?  There was no lobby. Just a bank of computers.  And no people. Just an enormous robotic arm that took your luggage and stored it somewhere. We kept our luggage with us.  2) How to get to our room? We waited for a long time at a bank of elevators that it turned out only went down. There was another bank of elevators that only went up. But where was it? Hidden behind a wall. 3) How to get into our room? There was no slot for the card key–you had to swipe it in a very particular way to get the door open. 4) Where was the secret button to make the fold up bed fold down?  It remained a secret.  5) How to turn on the shower without pulling the handle completely off the wall? We never found out.  Sorry about the broken shower. 6) How to check out?  Find the very secret slot to put your room card in.  7) Finally, who to tip?  We ended up tipping some stranger who was standing outside of the hotel minding his own business. He seemed surprised but glad to get the money. We liked  Yotel very much.  It was une nouvelle expérience.

Monique may have her own version of events.http://tastingntraipsing.blogspot.com/2009/10/tasting-traipsing.html

Perhaps you’re growing tired of football, even today of all days.  I say, watch it in French. It’s more exciting and certainly more civilized.   I’m going to share with you a few basic French phrases that allow you to enjoy the game in a whole new cosmopolitan way.

C’est qui contre qui? Who’s playing? Qui a marqué Who scored? Tom Brady est bien baraqué Tom Brady is really buff. L’arbitre est un gros enculé. The ref is a gros enculé.

That’s it. That’s enough to get you through the Super Bowl with élan to spare. Another suggestion: instead of the usual Budweiser, try sipping Veuve Clicquot.  Replace guacamole dip with a nice piece of foie gras garnished with cornichons.  Set aside your football shirt and don something by Chanel.  And lastly, your own Super Bowl French  cheer:  Un-deux-trois-cinq!/Who do we wanna thank?/Giants!  Giants!  Giants!

Please forgive moi. This is the first time I’ve actually cared about the Super Bowl.

For the past four days I’ve had some kind of flu or bug which left me feeling achy, nauseous and completely unable to lift a paint brush to canvas. (The fact that I don’t paint doesn’t make these symptoms any less worrisome.)   I tried to think about more important things while I lay in bed surrounded by my assorted remotes, my kindle, my iphone, my laptop, etc.  I thought, what will happen if Ginrich wins in Florida? I thought what will I do if Obama doesn’t get re-elected? I thought about taxes.  Do I have to still pay them if I’m not feeling well?  I thought about re-cycling. Is it working? Who’s not doing it?  And what about vaccinations? Are they really just a way for the pharmaceutical industry to make more money?  Why was Demi Moore smoking incense before she was hospitalized?  Wasn’t incense supposed to be burned in a special dish?  With all these questions swirling around in my addled brain, I decided to pull myself together and take another stab at my oil. And, again had to remind myself that I don’t paint. Thus, this blog.

T’his (my mispelling) has been bothering me all week. Just as the question has of when is a Pinocchio a little fib and when is it a big fat lie? Did Newt really ask Marianne for an open marriage? Fib or lie?  Little Pinocchio or Big Whopper?  And who are we to believe anyway?  I would believe Romney’s tax returns if I ever got to see them. Wait a minute! What’s happening to me?  I’m suddenly interested in politics? I find the Republican primaries interesting? I’m actually following the results? Am I losing my mind? Or my hard-earned grip on indifference?  Help!  I may have to do something drastic to take my mind of all this. Like read a book.

How many Pinnochios have you earned this year?

I just this morning heard this term on CBS and I must say, I love it.  Pinnochio was so great because you didn’t have to wonder if he was lying or not. The truth was as plain as the nose on his visage. Wouldn’t it be great if all our politicians could have a Pinnochio nez actually implanted for the duration of the presidential election?

I’m announcing the Annual Freedom of Expression Tour for 2012. I’ll be expressing myself in various venues in the coming year. It’s uncensored and free!*  Unlike the GOP debates, it will be informative and entertaining.  I’ll talk about the state of publishing. (No, scratch that.) I’ll talk about me, my novel Madame Bovary’s Daughter,  how I wrote it, why I wrote it and why it didn’t get the National Book Award.  I’ll also disclose previously highly confidential information about (many famous) people I know and even some people I don’t know. If you are interested in me speaking to your organization, women’s club, book group or illiterate high school senior, contact me at Linda@MadameBovarysDaughter.com. Hurry, spaces for the year 2012 are filling up fast.

*Some travel expenses may be required.

Who is Helen Rappaport and what is she doing in my blog?  I have no idea, but I do love her picture and her motto, “Beautiful For Ever”.  Also, who is Madame Rachel of Bond St? I confess that I steal these images from wherever I can get them. I must owe hundreds thousands of dollars to Getty Images, Google Images and Anonymous Images. Where was I? Oh, yes New Year’s Resolutions. Mine are very few and very simple. 1. I am never upgrading to another animal whether it’s a lion, a giraffe, or an emu.  2. In fact, I am never up upgrading to anything, ever again. 3. I am not going to play “Words with Friends” anymore. Because those who beat me every time are not my friends.  4. I am not voting for any of the Republican contenders.  (That was easy.) 5. I am not going to make any resolutions that I cannot possibly keep. 6. I’m not going to let my GPS lead my down the garden path. 7. I’m not going to sit by anyone who is eating popcorn in a movie.

(Maybe I should say what I’m going to do instead of what I’m not doing in 2012…) Thinking…thinking…thinking…

I’ll get back to you.In the meantime, ayez une nouvelle année heureuse.